Mother-daughter Relationship

Sometime back, I was invited to an event by a friend . It was a mother -daughter dinner. I was so thrilled to take my daughter out since she had just come from school and I had missed her so much. I wanted her to know that I love and care for her. Our night went so well and I loved the concept of mother-daughter dinner ahead of Mothers day,. The speech by the host was amazing and I left the place feeling happy as a mother. On our way home, I told my daughter that the dinner was amazing and hoped that she enjoyed too. Her response startled me and my EGO crushed . She was not impressed , she was not happy and that next time, I should not force her to accompany me to events she does not like.

At first, I wanted to yell on her for being ungrateful as a child. I wanted to school her that she was privileged to have a mother who can take her out. I wanted to tell her that I will never take her out again! neither should she expect me to support her outings in any way!

But.... I didn't say all that. I paused and cried inside a little.....
My daughter was growing into an adult...
I reassured myself that what I did was the best thing any mother could do to in such circumstance. She may not have appreciated it that time, but in the fullness of time, she will get the lesson. I should not let her negative feedback destroy the intention behind my authentic gesture. Our outing meant so much to me and mission accomplish.

I also realized that I may have missed the point of what she wanted to communicate. I had been raised not to express my true feelings . She had been raised differently by me . By expressing her feelings, she was describing her authentic SELF and did not imply she cared less for me. she was not expected to lie about such a simple situation. Most parents, just like me, try so much to make children do or feel as they do. Forcing children to do our way can hurt their feelings and they may start growing resentful .

I further realized that my daughter was a different person and I should not change or influence they way she feels about things and situation. My role is to guide and help her through life but not force her like/feel they way I do. I should respect her feelings and let her be true to herself without my overbearing love. I should see our relationship not as a mother/daughter one, but as a relationship between two women. Just because it’s a parental relationship , doesn’t mean she should sacrifice her own feelings to make me happy. Neither should I feel resentful that she is not living up to my ideals.

It is important for parents to see our children as separate human being, who may also be experiencing own whirlwind of emotions. Especially during the transition period from child to adult. They will start feeling a void in their life and would expect a parent to engage them in a different way . This void could due to any number of things – sadness, fear, low self-esteem, anxiety etc. The question is, What have we done to prepare them to spot situations which could be dis-enabling them moving forward? Do we even notice that they are going through their own life turmoil as growing adults?

Finally, I also realized that as a mother, being overbearing thinking that I am protecting my children from experiencing the pain and agony of life could be disabling them. By over-concentrating on protection, we miss an opportunity to allow them experience and grow from the challenges of life . We need to accept that the pain and flaws of life made us stronger physically and emotionally. For as long as it does not kill or it is not illegal, let them experience life and its motions.

So to all parents like me, let us help our children build their own identities. We should learn to balance closeness and individuality. We should let go of our own insecurities and let them blossom to their full potential.

HAPPY PARENTING TO YOU ALL