My lesson with Toxic family expectations.

Extended family relationships are the bedrock of African culture. They place huge expectations and somehow unreasonable burden on a family member who is perceived to be better off than others. For married couples, the burden doubles. Your family lineage and that of your spouse expect some form of support from you. Often a lot of small family issues unspoken and undressed could lead to extensive family conflicts and hatred. When untamed, extended family pressure leads to chronic depression and anxiety.

“Family is supposed to be our safe haven.  Very often it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache”. Iyanla Vanzant

As an African woman, I had embraced the culture of extended family support as a foundation of Umunthu. I had never complained about my small acts of charity to my immediate siblings believing in the adage that "charity begins at home". Sadly though, greater pressure for more support to adult siblings became an entitlement.

Whilst there is more information out there on how to deal with toxic friends and partners, little is shared on how to manage direct siblings. In African culture, it is near impossible to expose toxic behaviour of a direct family member.   Family toxicity is not an issue to be discussed in public domain. You deal with your feelings of obligation, confusion, betrayal and heartache.

Sadly though, increased amount of dependence has caused many people to suffer silently thereby limiting one’s ability to have a blissful life. With the growing demands of family events in African context, one is left in constant dilemma on how to balance personal needs against family expectations.

After years of stretching myself to the limit, I have learnt the hardest way of letting go of family toxic values and ideologies to give myself peace of mind. Here I share some ideas;

1. Maintaining distance and low contact.

The expectations that I will be everywhere for everyone within the immediate family, had to be tamed by me. I learnt to let go of some family events and activities that were causing me unnecessary anxiety. I have learnt to give excuses, keep distance whenever I feel emotionally stretched by their activities.

I have learnt to reduced contact with many  exploitative siblings and  in some instances, cut-off others completely especially those who refuse to grow. Painful  and unafrican as it sounds,  some relationships must end in life when the season is over. 

2. Things will go on without me.

The truth is, life goes on for everyone in my family without me being present. Even though I was raised to believe that siblings had my back, I observed that it mostly applied because it was perceived that I had something to offer. Without me, they will look for someone else to make things happen. This I learnt in my lowest moments. They moved on without me and never cared.

3. Offer help but not enable dependency

I have learnt to set limits to the support I give, without enabling dependency. I have learnt to help when needed as opposed to when wanted. I noticed that when we give into family wants, it never stops. Dependency is fertilized when we start supporting luxuries in another people’s life. 

4. It’s called self-Love and not selfishness

I have learnt to give myself more time and space to enjoy the SELF. Often due to increased level of expectations, we put the needs of others first and forgetting ourselves. Constantly we whine and groan over the excessive demands of others without regard to our personal desires.  No one will do it for you, if you cannot do it for yourself.

5. No is an answer

I love my family and I care for them. But it is possible to love someone and want nothing to do with them at the same time. Whenever necessary, I say a big no and move on without any remorse. I do not love them less when I say NO. I respect myself enough to know when I am unable to be present in their lives

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