My Birthday Gift- Healing my Inner Child

My birthday is here again. 

7th December is the beginning of my new year at a personal level. It is the time for me to celebrate life, recollect and set new resolutions. I want to thank God for the 47 years that ended yesterday. I am truly grateful for the woman I have become. I am more than aware of who I am now and ready to make positive changes going forward.

I embrace and respect our African culture and religion being the main shapers of our belief system. Nevertheless, things and situations change. I know and have learnt more about life in the past years. My perspective and view about our deeply held traditions changed also.  I have chosen to share my new beginnings as part of my healing and thriving.

Last year, I came face to face with the fact of life. You cannot love another if you do not love SELF. Simple as it may sound; it was life-changing for me. I was raised as a woman whose role was to care and nurture others. Growing up, I learnt to put the needs of others first, then myself. Putting yourself first was deemed to be selfish and greedy. However, the truth be told, it is hard to love another person, if you have not experienced that same love yourself. You cannot give out what you do not have.  I have been that person who loved others more. Yet, I keep experiencing the feeling of not being enough.

It is absurd that the more you give, the more is expected of you. Without being careful, you end up draining your energy to the level of insanity. Here, I am not referring to the material support we provide to our families. It is the emotions, feelings, and energy expended on a variety of expectations, most of which are outside our control.  It is our tradition to live the life of others by ignoring the SELF.

I crumbled and broke down to serious levels of anxiety and depression. The stresses of life were overbearing and my fort could not hold anymore. I had unexplainable aches and pains physically.  After a series of psychotherapy, reflections, and guided meditations, here is what I learnt and I offer to SELF as  the 48th Birthday Gift;

1. Learning to love self will enable me gain the capacity to genuinely love others without overburdening my mind, body, and soul.

For a long time, I had defined my life based on the perception of others. I went an extra mile to be very helpful, giving, supportive and being present in other peoples life even when my body and soul were weak and weary. I worked so hard to make others love me in disregard of my own feelings, needs and wants. Though I appeared happy on the outside, inwardly my energy was being sucked. 

 I was obsessed with the need to be liked and adored by others.  I  never got that love back the way I wanted. Inwardly, I craved for happiness and inner peace mind. My inner child wanted to be loved by me, but I ignored it. Sooner my mental exhaustion gave in to many forms of anxieties and  fatigue.

The truth is, I had never loved myself enough. I had not cared for my feelings and needs in most situations. I did not feel beautiful from the inside. I spent time being good and loyal to others, and less on caring for my needs. Now that I know, I am ready to take this journey of self-love, giving myself genuine care, nurturing my inner child and being enough to the SELF with kindness..

2. Knowing the SELF to gain familiarity with own inner value system.

Knowing what is really important to me will enable the SELF to gain access to the authentic inner value system and become more familiar with own emotions, feelings, and ideas. I have difficulties expressing my true feelings about things or situation lest I may hurt others. I gave in to emotional and psychological abuse, in order to maintain the positive social image dictated by our customs and religious beliefs. I presented a fake ME to gain societal acceptance on the outside.

Moving to a space of self-intimacy will require me to change my thought process and let go of the things and situations that harm my inner values. I need to trust my intuition and deny to be pulled back by societal innuendos. I should stop sabotaging the SELF by being meek to toxicity. The better you know yourself, the better you are able to understand and choose relations that best mirror the kind of life experience you want to have.

3. Learning to forgive the SELF from the guilt and shame of childhood brokenness

In trying to get others to love me, I created the false SELF to hide my childhood vulnerabilities on the outside. I enjoyed being told I was strong even though I was breaking inside. I struggled to meet the societal expectations in order to be accepted.  This may have come from my broken childhood that engraved the fear of abandonment and desertion in me. As a young girl, I had developed the people-pleasing behaviour to make others love me and not leave me .

The reality is, everyone is on their own journey and have own story to write. The pace of my life should not be held back by what cannot be undone. My past is gone and I cannot alter what happened then. The future is there for me to make amends.  

Let me heal and forgive the SELF by saying; 

§   I did some things in the past that I am not proud of.

§  I failed to stand up for myself and let others get past me.

§  I missed great opportunities  because I was scared to fail.

§  I failed to follow through many important goals.

§  I let others abuse me because I was scared of abandonment

4. Learning to set healthier boundaries.

Setting personal boundaries is the crucial part on the journey to loving SELF. I must say no to things and situations without feeling guilty. Above all, I must let go of relations that harm and injure my feelings. 

As a grown adult, letting go of the people who defined the person I am today is dreadful yet necessary for my sanity. Any healthy relationship with anybody, (spouse, children , relations or friends) should not cause pain and anguish. I need to maintain my personal space for the SELF to thrive, and safe-guard my heart and soul from being injured.  By allowing everybody to invade into my personal space, I am enabling the "toxic people" to abuse the SELF.

5. Learning to be kind to the SELF

Self-compassion entails treating the SELF with kindness and care, like how you would treat a dear friend. This may include taking care of my emotional and physical well-being, eating and sleeping properly and above all being kind to own needs and aspirations. If you are kind to the SELF, you feel genuine affection and empathy for others.

In conclusion, I had allowed shame and guilt of not being good enough dictate how I perceived life in my relationships.  I cared less of my true emotions and feelings in search of outside gratification from friends and family. My inner child had been wounded by abandonment and neglect. The choice is mine to change and thrive. I am ready to make that change and grow from within.

#letmeheal