Knowing SELF
Some years back, I went to seek counselling from the Priest at our local church. At that time, I had unexplained anxieties that were causing me depression. I did not understand why I felt overburdened with life to the point of insanity. Coming from a family with a history of mental health, I was scared that it could be the beginning of the same.
During that time, I spent hours on end overthinking and processing issues that had more to do with other people’s action towards me. It was exhausting and mind-boggling. I became very sick and could not think or sleep properly. My career was affected by the depression and the toxic work environment did not help matters either.
The Priest was very sympathetic to the issues and explained that he had counselled many cases presenting similar signs. He suspected that I could have been carrying a generational CURSE. He explained that family curses are reoccurring problems that steal, kill, and destroy. Someone up the family tree could be the cause of a generational curse. A family curse is a payment or “recompense for iniquity.” Confusion and depression are two key indicators of this family curse. I needed to learn how to break a curse. He proposed a list of prayer petitions made over a period of time to break those curses.
In my perspective, religion and culture play a critical role in programming the minds of many people in our societies. No amount of schooling would exonerate one from believing in cultural coding. I was tempted to seek traditional redress to cast out the curse. But the Priest persuaded me to follow the prayers in earnest.
I immersed myself in the meditative prayer of the heart. Every time the symptoms presented, I would spend time praying in my heart. It was uplifting to talk to myself during those prayers. I started to reconnect with someone within me whom I never knew they existed. I was becoming calmer whenever I felt distressed. I had an endless conversation with SELF.
Something told me to research on listening to inner voices. I had learnt of it in Psychology whilst in School but did not take a keen interest. It felt superstitious then. As I researched, I came across information on personality traits and self-awareness. My eyes opened to a whole body of knowledge about SELF.
I read through the information and realised that my culture and religious beliefs programmed me to think of MYSELF less and more of others. I had always thought that by being there for everyone in my family, relationships and work was all there was to life. I had no idea at the time that all of these outward ways in which I was trying hard to make my relationship, career, and community work were connected to a lack of self-love.
It was clear for once that I was not cursed. I just did know enough how to love SELF and set healthier personal boundaries. I exhibited traits of a people-pleaser hungry for validation on the outside. I was putting pressure on myself to do more to others, be more to others, have more instead of celebrating what I had done.
After talking to the Priest on my new knowledge, he suggested getting professional help from a Life Coach. It was a great relief to seek help for something that gave me peace of mind. Unfortunately, I could not find a Life Coach within my proximity. I enrolled in a coaching programme online and I am glad I made that choice.
Since then I have dedicated a big part of my life to understanding self-love, defining it in real practical ways that give me the power to make changes on the inside and more lasting changes on the outside. I am beginning to enjoy my life without pressuring myself to be more to others.
Our traditional beliefs and norms are part of enablers for the self-defeating behaviour that takes you away from what you need in life. Unless we take that conscious decision to know what makes us happy on a deeper level, we are bound to miss our purpose in life.
Our Malawi deserves happy people and independent thinkers. Join me on this journey of reconnecting to SELF and lead a purposeful life.
#LETMEHEAL
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